{"id":293,"date":"2010-02-05T20:51:47","date_gmt":"2010-02-06T03:51:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/?p=293"},"modified":"2014-01-05T19:31:03","modified_gmt":"2014-01-06T02:31:03","slug":"293","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/?p=293","title":{"rendered":"News in Brief – A recap of this week’s events"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for another “News in Brief” just like I do every Friday.\u00a0 Every day, in fact.\u00a0 I do this every hour here on this blog.\u00a0 You see this every minute.<\/p>\n

The week started Monday when my head turned into a giant rear view mirror.\u00a0 I got followed a lot by people who walk really fast.\u00a0 The pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“Condoms are the Devil!”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Tuesday was another red-letter day.\u00a0 I mailed out a bunch of red letters to people I don’t know.\u00a0 This is odd because I am illiterate.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“Women are lesser beings!”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

On Wednesday, I picked up the universe and bounced it off a nearby wall.\u00a0 Nobody noticed.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“You are a vile creature and God created you in His image!”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Thursday brought, as it always does, my dinner with the Old Norse god Thor.\u00a0 He’s a swell guy, but he does wreck a lot of my stuff with his hammer.\u00a0 I invented Thursday in honour of him.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“The ultimate act of love is a vile sin and you are a horrible person!”<\/em><\/p>\n

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I decided to have Saturday before Friday this week, so I embroidered a replica of the world’s largest pierogi on a fork<\/a> on a piece of toilet paper.\u00a0 It was 3D and everything because I used steel wool.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“The Vatican is made of solid fucking gold and we need more of your money!”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Friday snuck back in under the lazy eye of my hired sniper Barnabus.\u00a0 I fired him for it.\u00a0 he’s supposed to watch for those ever-shifting weekdays, but he always just ends up singing a jaunty tune and reversing the hard-boiling process for certain eggs.\u00a0 Come to think of it, that’s exactly why I hired him, so I better go take him out of that phone booth I duct-taped shut.\u00a0 brb.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“The Church will protect the children!\u00a0 LOL, I can haz young blood!\u00a0 MOAR!!! MOAR!!!”<\/em><\/p>\n

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Finally, Sunday came despite me locking it out of the house and changing the locks.\u00a0 I changed the locks to delicious ice cream, so all Sunday had to do was wait until it melted.\u00a0 It did this by locally changing the very laws of physics themselves to create a sort of universe-within-a-universe.\u00a0 This smaller universe surrounds my doorknob now, and if I get too close, I may vanish from this one and end up as Captain Kirk in another universe.\u00a0 Excuse me, I must go somewhere.\u00a0 The Pope had this to say:<\/p>\n

“Chicks bleed out of their vaginas, like, all the time.”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The above is true.<\/p>\n

Sorry, that should read NONE of the above is true.\u00a0 I had nothing to say today, so I thought I’d just ramble.\u00a0 This site does warn you of rambling, so don’t say you didn’t know.\u00a0 Do say that you knew of stove refrigeration from the Kootenays.\u00a0 And their insipid strike against the Shaman arrived late that day.\u00a0 He was supposed to hold a satchel for Mary, who was in the overhead compartment.\u00a0 Why would my luggage be safer there you ask?\u00a0 I’m glad you asked.\u00a0 It seems that when an Angel swears, a man gets his “red wings”, which explains why it took the train over 40 minutes just to get to North Bend.\u00a0 All of the ravioli were quite content as they stayed up late in their tents to listen to the sound of the termites eating slowly away at the foundations of the makeup must be allowed to dry before any further oats are applied to the stagnant Polka scene.\u00a0 Lawrence Welk said it best when he said “A one, a two, a three” and don’t be surprised if I can’t remember the rest of that was quite a surprise!\u00a0 I had never expected the line to start getting longer as people split like cells and stood next to the other sentence.\u00a0 Thus, the grammatical rules of exchange and commissions scratched against a cell wall with the pull tab from a soda can.\u00a0 What kind of retribution awaits the impetus for change that we require will come when a man a plan a canal, Panama.\u00a0 That doesn’t bode well for the tamers and the framers and the incubators didn’t come cheap.\u00a0 No, they were quite expensive and the result of all of this is that only eight drops have ever occurred.\u00a0 You could wait for a pane of glass to get his freak on, but it diminished in the moonlight as the car sped through the rain soaked streets.\u00a0 Nobody was around to see that final goal, even though the mortgage had been fully filled with delicious raspberry soil.<\/p>\n

The only thing that makes sense is Kim Kardashian’s incredible ass.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for another “News in Brief” just like I do every Friday.\u00a0 Every day, in fact.\u00a0 I do this every hour here on this blog.\u00a0 You see this every minute. The week started Monday when my head turned into a giant rear view mirror.\u00a0 I got followed a lot […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,1],"tags":[169,168,170],"class_list":["post-293","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-miscellaneous","category-uncategorized","tag-nonsense","tag-rambling","tag-the-pope"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=293"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6408,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/293\/revisions\/6408"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=293"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=293"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=293"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}