{"id":987,"date":"2010-06-02T17:20:30","date_gmt":"2010-06-02T23:20:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/?p=987"},"modified":"2010-06-03T19:41:46","modified_gmt":"2010-06-04T01:41:46","slug":"i-am-a-raccoon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/?p=987","title":{"rendered":"I am a raccoon"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/raccoon.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-986\" title=\"raccoon\" src=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/raccoon-300x207.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"207\" srcset=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/raccoon-300x207.jpg 300w, http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/raccoon.jpg 675w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><br \/>\nWhy, you ask, am I a raccoon?<\/p>\n<p>Here are the facts:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>I am a lovable scamp with a fluffy and ringed tail<\/li>\n<li>My adorable whiskers twitch when I sniff around for morsels of food<\/li>\n<li>I wash my food in a stream before I eat it<\/li>\n<li>I have large black circles under my eyes<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Now it&#8217;s time for reality to intrude, like a drunken roommate crashing home to your apartment at 3:30 in the morning.\u00a0 He&#8217;s waking you up by trying to be quiet, and he thinks that shouting &#8220;I&#8217;M SORRRRRY!!!&#8221; after he knocks over and breaks that tall stack of unwashed dishes by the sink is somehow a good idea.\u00a0 Damn that reality.<\/p>\n<p>Only one of those above statements is true.\u00a0 I do have very large and very black circles under my eyes right now.\u00a0 That is because of this wonderful weather headache I have, which is finishing day fucking three now.\u00a0 Those dark bags under my eyes are kind of useful in a way, because they appear right before I get clobbered suddenly upside the head by massive headachey goodness.\u00a0 I can tell when I have them even without the need for a mirror, because everyone who talks to me gets a look of concern on their face.\u00a0 I can tell that they&#8217;re looking at those black circles and wondering &#8220;did somebody punch him in the eyes?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>So I can then prepare for the worst by taking some codeine.\u00a0 Or just go the fuck home.\u00a0 Which I did today.<\/p>\n<p>And I have to fess up about something first.\u00a0 I DO wash at least some of my food.\u00a0 But not in a stream.<\/p>\n<p>And here is the #1 Google image search result for &#8220;but not in a stream&#8221;:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/OWDD7X56.gif\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-988\" title=\"OWDD7X56\" src=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/OWDD7X56-300x150.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"150\" srcset=\"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/OWDD7X56-300x150.gif 300w, http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/06\/OWDD7X56.gif 550w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why, you ask, am I a raccoon? Here are the facts: I am a lovable scamp with a fluffy and ringed tail My adorable whiskers twitch when I sniff around for morsels of food I wash my food in a stream before I eat it I have large black circles under my eyes Now it&#8217;s [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[218],"class_list":["post-987","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-miscellaneous","tag-weather-headaches"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/987","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=987"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/987\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":990,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/987\/revisions\/990"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=987"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=987"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.gratuitousscience.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=987"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}