News in Brief – A recap of this week’s events

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for another “News in Brief” just like I do every Friday.  Every day, in fact.  I do this every hour here on this blog.  You see this every minute.

The week started Monday when my head turned into a giant rear view mirror.  I got followed a lot by people who walk really fast.  The pope had this to say:

“Condoms are the Devil!”

Tuesday was another red-letter day.  I mailed out a bunch of red letters to people I don’t know.  This is odd because I am illiterate.  The Pope had this to say:

“Women are lesser beings!”

On Wednesday, I picked up the universe and bounced it off a nearby wall.  Nobody noticed.  The Pope had this to say:

“You are a vile creature and God created you in His image!”

Thursday brought, as it always does, my dinner with the Old Norse god Thor.  He’s a swell guy, but he does wreck a lot of my stuff with his hammer.  I invented Thursday in honour of him.  The Pope had this to say:

“The ultimate act of love is a vile sin and you are a horrible person!”

I decided to have Saturday before Friday this week, so I embroidered a replica of the world’s largest pierogi on a fork on a piece of toilet paper.  It was 3D and everything because I used steel wool.  The Pope had this to say:

“The Vatican is made of solid fucking gold and we need more of your money!”

Friday snuck back in under the lazy eye of my hired sniper Barnabus.  I fired him for it.  he’s supposed to watch for those ever-shifting weekdays, but he always just ends up singing a jaunty tune and reversing the hard-boiling process for certain eggs.  Come to think of it, that’s exactly why I hired him, so I better go take him out of that phone booth I duct-taped shut.  brb.  The Pope had this to say:

“The Church will protect the children!  LOL, I can haz young blood!  MOAR!!! MOAR!!!”










Finally, Sunday came despite me locking it out of the house and changing the locks.  I changed the locks to delicious ice cream, so all Sunday had to do was wait until it melted.  It did this by locally changing the very laws of physics themselves to create a sort of universe-within-a-universe.  This smaller universe surrounds my doorknob now, and if I get too close, I may vanish from this one and end up as Captain Kirk in another universe.  Excuse me, I must go somewhere.  The Pope had this to say:

“Chicks bleed out of their vaginas, like, all the time.”

The above is true.

Sorry, that should read NONE of the above is true.  I had nothing to say today, so I thought I’d just ramble.  This site does warn you of rambling, so don’t say you didn’t know.  Do say that you knew of stove refrigeration from the Kootenays.  And their insipid strike against the Shaman arrived late that day.  He was supposed to hold a satchel for Mary, who was in the overhead compartment.  Why would my luggage be safer there you ask?  I’m glad you asked.  It seems that when an Angel swears, a man gets his “red wings”, which explains why it took the train over 40 minutes just to get to North Bend.  All of the ravioli were quite content as they stayed up late in their tents to listen to the sound of the termites eating slowly away at the foundations of the makeup must be allowed to dry before any further oats are applied to the stagnant Polka scene.  Lawrence Welk said it best when he said “A one, a two, a three” and don’t be surprised if I can’t remember the rest of that was quite a surprise!  I had never expected the line to start getting longer as people split like cells and stood next to the other sentence.  Thus, the grammatical rules of exchange and commissions scratched against a cell wall with the pull tab from a soda can.  What kind of retribution awaits the impetus for change that we require will come when a man a plan a canal, Panama.  That doesn’t bode well for the tamers and the framers and the incubators didn’t come cheap.  No, they were quite expensive and the result of all of this is that only eight drops have ever occurred.  You could wait for a pane of glass to get his freak on, but it diminished in the moonlight as the car sped through the rain soaked streets.  Nobody was around to see that final goal, even though the mortgage had been fully filled with delicious raspberry soil.

The only thing that makes sense is Kim Kardashian’s incredible ass.