I am a raccoon

Why, you ask, am I a raccoon?

Here are the facts:

  • I am a lovable scamp with a fluffy and ringed tail
  • My adorable whiskers twitch when I sniff around for morsels of food
  • I wash my food in a stream before I eat it
  • I have large black circles under my eyes

Now it’s time for reality to intrude, like a drunken roommate crashing home to your apartment at 3:30 in the morning.  He’s waking you up by trying to be quiet, and he thinks that shouting “I’M SORRRRRY!!!” after he knocks over and breaks that tall stack of unwashed dishes by the sink is somehow a good idea.  Damn that reality.

Only one of those above statements is true.  I do have very large and very black circles under my eyes right now.  That is because of this wonderful weather headache I have, which is finishing day fucking three now.  Those dark bags under my eyes are kind of useful in a way, because they appear right before I get clobbered suddenly upside the head by massive headachey goodness.  I can tell when I have them even without the need for a mirror, because everyone who talks to me gets a look of concern on their face.  I can tell that they’re looking at those black circles and wondering “did somebody punch him in the eyes?”

So I can then prepare for the worst by taking some codeine.  Or just go the fuck home.  Which I did today.

And I have to fess up about something first.  I DO wash at least some of my food.  But not in a stream.

And here is the #1 Google image search result for “but not in a stream”: